when nothing goes right...
Sometimes I need an outlet away from where everyone expects something from me.

"So this is me in the spotlight, losing my religion."

((This is a sideblog, a personal one that everyone is free to follow.))
Mar 30 +5638


Amsterdam, the Netherlands

“people say to you, you’ve changed, or something like that, well, i hope, for the sake of god that you have changed, because i don’t want to be the same person all my life. i want to be growing, i want to be expanding. i want to be changing. because animate things change, inanimate things don’t change. dead things don’t change. and the heart should be alive, it should be changing, it should be moving, it should be growing, its knowledge should be expanding.”

shaykh hamza yusuf (via crownsansa)

Mar 29 +115650

“People who don’t believe in miracles are not realistic.”

Yiddish saying


This gif is sick as fuck

Seriously the best gif I have ever came across!

Apparently I’m worse then I thought I am. Here I am thinking I’m keeping the worst of it inside while my mother has known for days.

She just cried because it hurts her so much to see me like this. It’s comforting off course that she cares this much but it hurts me to see her pain.

She explained it to me, put out plain and simple how miserable I’ve been for years and how much I’ve been through and how much I’ve been hurt. For years. That she hasn’t seen me happy and well for at least 6 years and I don’t know what to do with that.

I know I’m not in the right mind to do anything right now. I am depressed, heavily, under the influence of my current meds and I just can’t deal.  Everything is to much and seeing her crying makes me want to hide it all even better but I can’t. Because I have been trying to do that all along.

Apparently I physically look ill to right now, but I don’t see it when I look in the mirror. That said I have to admit to not looking in the mirror anymore. Maybe that is saying something as well?

She told me that I need professional help because I deserve a life. I need to get better or need help to find a way to live my life.

Right now I disagree but I know that are the meds at work, I tell myself that, try to make it better by saying that. I don’t know if it works.

My head hurts. That’s nothing new but it gets worse instead of better. I can only come up with terrible things to cause this. I don’t want help. I don’t want to hear something is wrong with me. But listening to my mother I realise maybe more is wrong then I thought there was. But I’ve felt okay for a long time, two years ago. That should count for something too right?

Or wasn’t I alright? Did I want to believe it because it had been worse? I don’t know what to believe anymore.